Sammy and Blackbeard
by E.A. Weiss
Blackbeard: Where am I? What’s going on?
Sammy: I brought you back from the dead to do a report on you.
Blackbeard: How?! What?! I don’t—
Sammy: We have to compare ourselves to someone we’re like in history.
Blackbeard: What do you mean—
Sammy: Hold on let me start recording. (click) This is Sammy Goldberg’s interview for Mrs. Henry’s 6th grade history class.
Blackbeard: What is that contraption?
Sammy: Mr. Blackbeard, I personally know how hard pirating can be; what kept you happy when you were alive?
Blackbeard: You’re a pirate?
Sammy: I pirate all the time.
Blackbeard: What do you pillage? What do you plunder?
Sammy: All types of music.
Sammy: And sometimes TV shows, but don’t tell my dad because he already thinks I take up too much bandwidth.
Blackbeard: I’m afraid I don’t—
Sammy: Anyway, what would you do in your free time?
Blackbeard: I’d count gold, cook meals, drink rum, and play games with the crew—
Sammy: Me too! Jeez, we’re so alike. Do you like Call of Duty?
Blackbeard: What is that?
Sammy: Very funny, Mr. Blackbeard. Okay, next question: How do you get a pretty girl to like you and do you think it’s a good sign if you get invited to her Bat Mitzvah?
Blackbeard: A woman’s heart is the one thing I was never able to steal.
Sammy: Oh, I’m sorry, that was insensitive. How did you get boys to like you?
Blackbeard: You have to be hard on a crew of rowdy pirates, but not too hard because those seamen need to last a long time.
Sammy: Let’s keep it PG-13, Mr. Blackbeard, I’m only in 6th grade! (laughs) So you died in the U.S., but were actually from England. What was that like?
Blackbeard: Um, not great.
Sammy: Was it similar to the feeling you get when a pretty girl, let’s say her name is Sarah, turns you down for a dance in front of everyone?
Blackbeard: I don’t think you under—
Sammy: Or, did it feel like you ate too many nachos at your mom’s boyfriend’s Super Bowl party and threw up all over his new leather couch?
Blackbeard: I’m confus—
Sammy: Maybe it felt like the time you fell in the mud at lunch, but Aaron Johnson decided to tell the whole class that you had a “bathroom accident” and now everyone calls you Brownbutt. Did it feel like that?
Blackbeard: Is that why I’m here?
Sammy: What? No. What do you mean?
Blackbeard: Because of our nicknames? Brownbutt’s not so bad. I had a man on board who was so ugly and bumpy that everyone called him Goiter.
Sammy: That’s awf—
Blackbeard: But that just meant our enemies underestimated him. He killed hundreds of adversaries because no one thought the boily incest puddle of a man would be able to fight.
Sammy: He killed—
Blackbeard: So, my advice would be to murder hundreds of men. That’s how you’ll get Aaron’s respect.
Sammy: Nothing, nothing. I’ll just say you told me, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”
Blackbeard: Words? Of course Words can hurt you! He also killed hundreds of men. Even children! You’re talking about the mute pirate we had on board, right? Yeah, he’d definitely hurt you.
Sammy: This seems like a good time to end the interview.
Follow E.A. Weiss on Twitter. Illustration by Jason Reed.