dailydot:

Sammy and Blackbeard
by E.A. Weiss

Blackbeard: Where am I? What’s going on?
Sammy: I brought you back from the dead to do a report on you.
Blackbeard: How?! What?! I don’t—
Sammy: We have to compare ourselves to someone we’re like in history.
Blackbeard: What do you mean—
Sammy: Hold on let me start recording. (click) This is Sammy Goldberg’s interview for Mrs. Henry’s 6th grade history class.
Blackbeard: What is that contraption?
Sammy: Mr. Blackbeard, I personally know how hard pirating can be; what kept you happy when you were alive?
Blackbeard: You’re a pirate?
Sammy: I pirate all the time.
Blackbeard: What do you pillage? What do you plunder?
Sammy: All types of music.
Blackbeard: What—
Sammy: And sometimes TV shows, but don’t tell my dad because he already thinks I take up too much bandwidth.
Blackbeard: I’m afraid I don’t—
Sammy: Anyway, what would you do in your free time?
Blackbeard: I’d count gold, cook meals, drink rum, and play games with the crew—
Sammy: Me too! Jeez, we’re so alike. Do you like Call of Duty?
Blackbeard: What is that?
Sammy: Very funny, Mr. Blackbeard. Okay, next question: How do you get a pretty girl to like you and do you think it’s a good sign if you get invited to her Bat Mitzvah?
Blackbeard: A woman’s heart is the one thing I was never able to steal.
Sammy: Oh, I’m sorry, that was insensitive. How did you get boys to like you?
Blackbeard: You have to be hard on a crew of rowdy pirates, but not too hard because those seamen need to last a long time.
Sammy: Let’s keep it PG-13, Mr. Blackbeard, I’m only in 6th grade! (laughs) So you died in the U.S., but were actually from England. What was that like?
Blackbeard: Um, not great.
Sammy: Was it similar to the feeling you get when a pretty girl, let’s say her name is Sarah, turns you down for a dance in front of everyone?
Blackbeard: I don’t think you under—
Sammy: Or, did it feel like you ate too many nachos at your mom’s boyfriend’s Super Bowl party and threw up all over his new leather couch?
Blackbeard: I’m confus—
Sammy: Maybe it felt like the time you fell in the mud at lunch, but Aaron Johnson decided to tell the whole class that you had a “bathroom accident” and now everyone calls you Brownbutt. Did it feel like that?
Blackbeard: Is that why I’m here?
Sammy: What? No. What do you mean?
Blackbeard: Because of our nicknames? Brownbutt’s not so bad. I had a man on board who was so ugly and bumpy that everyone called him Goiter.
Sammy: That’s awf—
Blackbeard: But that just meant our enemies underestimated him. He killed hundreds of adversaries because no one thought the boily incest puddle of a man would be able to fight.
Sammy: He killed—
Blackbeard: So, my advice would be to murder hundreds of men. That’s how you’ll get Aaron’s respect.
Sammy: Um…
Blackbeard: What?
Sammy: Nothing, nothing. I’ll just say you told me, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”
Blackbeard: Words? Of course Words can hurt you! He also killed hundreds of men. Even children! You’re talking about the mute pirate we had on board, right? Yeah, he’d definitely hurt you.
Sammy: This seems like a good time to end the interview.
Follow E.A. Weiss on Twitter. Illustration by Jason Reed.

dailydot:

Sammy and Blackbeard

by E.A. Weiss



Blackbeard: Where am I? What’s going on?

Sammy: I brought you back from the dead to do a report on you.

Blackbeard: How?! What?! I don’t—

Sammy: We have to compare ourselves to someone we’re like in history.

Blackbeard: What do you mean—

Sammy: Hold on let me start recording. (click) This is Sammy Goldberg’s interview for Mrs. Henry’s 6th grade history class.

Blackbeard: What is that contraption?

Sammy: Mr. Blackbeard, I personally know how hard pirating can be; what kept you happy when you were alive?

Blackbeard: You’re a pirate?

Sammy: I pirate all the time.

Blackbeard: What do you pillage? What do you plunder?

Sammy: All types of music.

Blackbeard: What—

Sammy: And sometimes TV shows, but don’t tell my dad because he already thinks I take up too much bandwidth.

Blackbeard: I’m afraid I don’t—

Sammy: Anyway, what would you do in your free time?

Blackbeard: I’d count gold, cook meals, drink rum, and play games with the crew—

Sammy: Me too! Jeez, we’re so alike. Do you like Call of Duty?

Blackbeard: What is that?

Sammy: Very funny, Mr. Blackbeard. Okay, next question: How do you get a pretty girl to like you and do you think it’s a good sign if you get invited to her Bat Mitzvah?

Blackbeard: A woman’s heart is the one thing I was never able to steal.

Sammy: Oh, I’m sorry, that was insensitive. How did you get boys to like you?

Blackbeard: You have to be hard on a crew of rowdy pirates, but not too hard because those seamen need to last a long time.

Sammy: Let’s keep it PG-13, Mr. Blackbeard, I’m only in 6th grade! (laughs) So you died in the U.S., but were actually from England. What was that like?

Blackbeard: Um, not great.

Sammy: Was it similar to the feeling you get when a pretty girl, let’s say her name is Sarah, turns you down for a dance in front of everyone?

Blackbeard: I don’t think you under—

Sammy: Or, did it feel like you ate too many nachos at your mom’s boyfriend’s Super Bowl party and threw up all over his new leather couch?

Blackbeard: I’m confus—

Sammy: Maybe it felt like the time you fell in the mud at lunch, but Aaron Johnson decided to tell the whole class that you had a “bathroom accident” and now everyone calls you Brownbutt. Did it feel like that?

Blackbeard: Is that why I’m here?

Sammy: What? No. What do you mean?

Blackbeard: Because of our nicknames? Brownbutt’s not so bad. I had a man on board who was so ugly and bumpy that everyone called him Goiter.

Sammy: That’s awf—

Blackbeard: But that just meant our enemies underestimated him. He killed hundreds of adversaries because no one thought the boily incest puddle of a man would be able to fight.

Sammy: He killed—

Blackbeard: So, my advice would be to murder hundreds of men. That’s how you’ll get Aaron’s respect.

Sammy: Um…

Blackbeard: What?

Sammy: Nothing, nothing. I’ll just say you told me, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”

Blackbeard: Words? Of course Words can hurt you! He also killed hundreds of men. Even children! You’re talking about the mute pirate we had on board, right? Yeah, he’d definitely hurt you.

Sammy: This seems like a good time to end the interview.


Follow E.A. Weiss on Twitter. Illustration by Jason Reed.

New York is great.

New York is great.

The story of the first Mexican Thanksgiving.

It made no sense that, of the two [San Francisco and New York], San Francisco had turned into the power city. But, then, much about the country’s new aspirational physics left me confused. I didn’t understand, for instance, why suddenly every business wanted to be a “startup.” I didn’t understand how people like Hwin appeared to float above the exigencies of career. Some people maintained that Washington was now in the Valley’s pocket; others said that the Valley didn’t care enough about Washington. Universities were trying to go viral. Hollywood was leaning on Netflix, and on the Ellison kids. Venture capitalism was the new capitalism (though the returns were lousy). Twitter and LinkedIn had changed people’s lives (but it was just a bubble). Everyone had a sense that Northern California was the source of these changes, yet few knew why. If I hoped to understand the first thing about American culture in this decade, I realized, I’d need to figure out exactly what was going on in San Francisco.

-Nathan Heller, “Bay Watched" for The New Yorker

The best paragraph I’ve read in quite some time.

NPR published a great graphic about who the federal government owes money to, but I think they made a few key errors. Above is what I believe to be the correct graph.

NPR published a great graphic about who the federal government owes money to, but I think they made a few key errors. Above is what I believe to be the correct graph.

Nobody sits baby in the corner.
NYC mayoral candidate Christine Quinn claimed Dirty Dancing was her favorite movie right before butchering its most famous line: 
kurtbraunohler:

Last night I got an unprompted text from a random number. I went with it.

Touché.

kurtbraunohler:

Last night I got an unprompted text from a random number. I went with it.

Touché.

Someone hacked my father’s email and sent me a message asking for money.  This is how I responded.

Someone hacked my father’s email and sent me a message asking for money.

This is how I responded.

Blurred Lines as The Cosby Show.